A note from the staff (2014): The contact info listed here is updated and correct; even though Dave doesn't write a weekly column for the Miami Herald any more, he does still work there and we are still in the Herald office.
I want to run Dave's weekly column in my newspaper and/or magazine. Our circulation is huge and/or almost non-existent. How much will it cost?
We have no idea. Dave retired in 2005 and we are no longer offering a weekly "Classic" column, so a regular syndication deal is not possible. For individual column reprints, skip to the 3rd question. For publication of any current pieces such as political or Olympics coverage, the Holiday Gift Guide or Dave's annual "Year in Review," please contact Tribune Media Services at 800-245-6536 (main switchboard) or the TMS Sales Dept. at 800-637-4082, fax 312-222-2581.
I want to run Dave's weekly column in my newspaper and/or magazine in New Zealand. Can I do that?
Same as above (the part about Dave retiring). For current pieces or individual column reprints in foreign markets, contact Tribune Media Services International, Triton Court, 14 Finsbury Square, London EC2A 1BR, UK (tel +44-20-7588 7588; fax +44-20-7638 3011; web: www.tmsinternational.com)
I want to reprint one of Dave's columns in my company newsletter. Do I need permission to do that? Who can give me permission?
Yes, you need permission to reprint any of Dave's columns (and pretty much anybody else's columns, if you want to know the truth). We wish we could do something really bad to copyright violators, but so far, everything we've come up with is (also) illegal. But for wonderful, law-abiding persons like yourselves, here's how to get permission:
If you want to reprint a column, reprint any column in a book, use an excerpt only, or if you have any other special requests (no, I won't send you the photos of Dave and the goats), please contact Judi Smith at firstname.lastname@example.org for further information.
No internet or web site "reprinting" is allowed. Period. Links to the Miami Herald's web site are fine as long as you're not a wackjob.
COLUMNS - PERSONAL USE
PLEASE READ THIS ENTIRE SECTION BEFORE YOU SEND US A COLUMN REQUEST
I am in urgent need of a copy of the column Dave wrote about guys, but it's not on the Miami Herald's web site any more. I can't find it in the archives at herald.com. How can I get a copy?
To get a copy of a specific column (for personal use only) (and we mean that in the nicest possible way), visit the Herald at http://www.miamiherald.com/reprints/. Unfortunately (for you, anyway), there is a charge for this service, and it will probably take a while.
But I have to have it by Thursday!
And we would really like to know why.
You should try to go through proper channels. But this will help us locate the column you're looking for:
- Try to give a specific scenario or an unusual key word that you are sure is in the article. Were there weasels involved? How about chainsaws? Ok, so those aren't exactly unusual terms for Dave, but each term may help. We are searching the computer, so every piece of specific information helps us to locate the column you actually want.
- "I saw it in my newspaper awhile back" doesn't narrow it down much. Was it published within the last year, or 10 years ago? Again, be as specific as possible.
- Most newspapers make up their own headlines for the columns. So unless it was "Weasels use chainsaws to cut a hole in Dave's boat in January 2001," the headline alone probably won't get you the right column.
- We are not kidding about specific words. "I'm looking for a column Dave wrote about girls and sports" was an actual recent request. Could you find that one? And if you really need to have it by Thursday, you can email us at email@example.com and we'll see what we can do.
No. Sorry. It has to be snailmail. We don't send out any of Dave's columns in email.
This should answer your question:
Did Dave really write that piece floating around the internet, "16 Things I've Learned in 50 Years?"
Well, he wrote something like it. But it's been changed during its travels around the world in email, and you can no longer count on anything in it being Dave's actual work.
Why would anyone do such a thing?
We don't know. Dropped on their heads at birth, perhaps? The original list, as he wrote it, is called "25 Things I Have Learned in 50 Years" and can be found in the book Dave Barry Turns 50.
And we said this up there ^ but since you didn't read it, we are going to say it again:
Please note that we do not give permission to post Dave's columns on your website, period. (You are welcome to post links from the Miami Herald on your website, just don't copy and paste the column itself.) We do not give permission to send columns out in email (including email newsletters). We are happy to have you contact us regarding newsletters, photocopies, and reprinting, as long as it's in print form. We really do appreciate it when you ask permission, and will do our best to accommodate your requests as quickly as possible.
COLUMNS - WRITTEN BY YOU
I've written a funny/smart/fabulous/wacky book/column/article/Christmas letter that I know Dave would love. I want him to critique it/use it in his column/tell me who will publish it/send me a blurb/write a foreword for it. Where can I send it to him?
Well... to be honest, Dave 1) claims he is no good at critiquing 2) doesn't use things written by other writers 3) doesn't have a clue who might publish your work and 4) no longer does blurbs, endorsements or forewords. Also, his evil step-assistant won't even let him see your work, because she is an overprotective b... seems somewhat insane doesn't want anyone to be upset if Dave writes about something similar in an upcoming column or book. So she will send back your work and tell you that Dave suggests Writer's Market (an annual book of available markets) or Writer's Digest magazine for beginning writers, and for people trying to market their work or find an agent. (Dave also reminds everyone that editors are the ones who can get you published, and you should send your work to them; other writers really can't help you.)
But I write a great column that many readers love, published regularly in my local paper or online. Can Dave tell me how to get syndicated? And fast?
Not really. The way Dave did it is: He got information about various syndicates from Editor & Publisher's annual syndicate directory, and sent them samples of his published columns. Fact: After five years, he'd been picked up by one small syndicate and his column was running in five papers. So you probably don't want to quit your day job just yet.
Okay, but all I want is for Dave to read my manuscript and/or column and tell me if it's any good. But you keep saying no. In a variety of entertaining ways, but still, the answer seems to be no. Why do you keep saying that? It's short, it's good, and all my friends love it. It doesn't have to be an in-depth critique; just a quick read-through and a thumbs-up or thumbs-down. Really. I'm looking for honest criticism here.
You are not.
No, REALLY, I am.
Okay, maybe you are. But probably not. At any rate, the answer is still no. If you want to know why, and you can handle some bad language (yes, he uses the F-word) (a lot), please read this blog post by Josh Olson: I Will Not Read Your F***ing Script.
Gee, thanks. I may never write again.
We are sorry. Honestly. Now read it again.
COLUMN TOPIC REQUESTS
Can Dave please write about my book/product/project/fundraising event/good cause/grandmother's birthday in his column?
No, I'm afraid not. If he did, pretty soon his column would be nothing but "Shout-outs" and book reviews. And nobody wants that. Do we?
UPDATE: Dave's not writing his weekly column any more. He writes occasional columns for The Miami Herald, most of which are syndicated nationally, but he still can't write about your cause, however good it is, or your book or product or grandmother. We're sorry.
Where can I buy Dave's books? (We're not kidding, this is a frequently asked question!)
At a bookstore.
Dave never comes to Dubuque on book tour! What's wrong with Dubuque? HUH?!? And how can I get my book signed?
Don't blame us! Dave's publicist decides which cities he'll visit on book tour. She's the one that hates Dubuque.
If you want to get your book signed, you can send it to Dave at the Miami Herald, 3511 NW 91st Ave., Miami FL 33172. (Yes, even though he's not writing a weekly column for the Herald, the office still exists.) Please include a self-addressed, postage-paid mailer for its return. Please do NOT send checks or cash to pay for postage. Seriously. We need a self-addressed, stamped return mailer to return the book to you. That's the only way. We're not joking. (We were joking about Dave's publicist hating Dubuque. But not about the SASE.)
Please contact us at firstname.lastname@example.org BEFORE sending in your book, especially if you need a timely response; we may have additional instructions for you as we are sometimes away from the Miami office for extended periods.
A note from the staff:
Dave is happy to sign a book for you, but we're aware of the existence of eBay, if you know what we mean. So please don't send a box of books with a note that says "I love your work. It would mean so much to me if you could sign these seven copies of the same book. Signature only, please, because I want to pass them on to my seven children when I die." (This really happened. Now I ask you, do I look that stupid? Be honest.)
Another note from the staff:
We are strong, but we are not beavers. Wrapping your package in a 2-inch-thick layer of packing tape will almost guarantee a damaged book (and sometimes it's even an accident!). It will be in much better shape upon its return to you if we are able to open your package in less than 20 minutes, without power tools. It's a book. A precious book, yes, but not a condor egg.
Yet another note from the staff, to be read in the voice of your fourth grade teacher when she's letting you go to the bathroom for the third time since lunch:
We are serious about sending in boxes of books for signature only. Just Don't Do It. Please.
Dave will be happy to sign an 8 x 10 photo for you, but only one, and only personalized, and only if you send in a large stamped self-addressed envelope to Dave Barry, 3511 NW 91st Ave., Miami FL 33172.
(You: My God, you are snotty. And suspicious.
Snotty Suspicious Assistant: You and what army?)
What about the colonoscopy certificates?
Yes, we still have them and will still send them out. Same address as above, but please be sure to include a SASE. Sadly, we no longer have Paris Hilton toilet paper squares to include with the certificates, but it's the thought that counts.
How do I book Dave to speak at a corporate event?
If the event isn't next week, or next month, please contact Xeno Management at JWDiLaw@aol.com. They'll talk with you about Dave's availability and give you the booking details.
If it is next week or next month, Dave's probably already booked, but you can email his assistant using the contact info below.
How do I book Dave to speak at a charity event?
If it's a local (South Florida) charity event, please email us at email@example.com and give us the details; we'll let you know if he's available.
Sorry, but we can't participate in every celebrity auction from here to Qo'noS. If you have a particular interest in Dave, please make it known when you contact us. We do not do any auctions via email, but require letterhead sent snailmail c/o Dave Barry, Miami Herald, 3511 NW 91st Ave., Miami FL 33172.
Can I email Dave?
No, no, a thousand times (the number of times he received the Nigerian money-laundering scam before he decided not to get email any more) no. But there is an email address on the front page of this site that will reach his assistant. Ok, ok, we'll make it easy for you and just tell you what it is: firstname.lastname@example.org. Also, you can email stuff for the blog to email@example.com.
Another snotty helpful note from the staff:
Please consider the amount of spam we get when you send an email. Sending email with nothing in the subject line is just stupid likely to get your email deleted immediately. We also don't read emails with subject lines such as "humor" and "hello" and "weird" and "quirky" and "help," as a rule. So if you want someone to read your email, please consider that we are wading through 50 spam emails for every legitimate email, and make it easier for us. Use a brief but descriptive subject line. This is not bad advice for any email you send, but especially for emails you are sending to complete strangers. Also, if you are using aol, figure out how to reply with the previous email's text in your email, for Pete's sake. (This has nothing to do with whether or not we read your email, but it's really annoying to get emails that say, for instance, "Did you find the column yet?" with no reference emails below it. Come on, people. It's 2014.)
We are sorry we are so cranky. But it's fun to vent. Thank you for this opportunity.