| DAVE BARRY'S HOLIDAY GIFT GUIDE |
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We are not making these items up...
Once again the holidays are upon us, and here at the Holiday Gift Guide Command Center, we are definitely feeling the ''spirit of the season.'' When our ''elves'' answer the telephone, they say: ''Ho! Ho! Ho!'' If they leave out even a single ''ho,'' we give them a jolt with our holiday cattle prod. That is how seriously we take the holidays.
It is that kind of discipline that enables us to produce our famous annual Holiday Gift Guide -- a collection of very special gift ideas that you will not find anywhere else in the world that has even the tiniest shred of good taste. These are not the kind of ''ho-hum'' gifts that get stuck away in a drawer somewhere. No sir, these are the kind of high-impact gifts that go straight into the dumpster.
Many people ask us: Where do you FIND these things? The answer is that we scour the globe. Every year, at tremendous tax-deductible expense, we travel to Paris, London, Rome, Hong Kong, Las Vegas and many other exotic foreign places in search of items that are suitable for the Gift Guide. But we never find any, so at the last minute we come home and use stuff we ordered by mail.
Bear in mind, as you read this Gift Guide, that every single item you see in it is real. That's correct: We are not making these items up. You can actually buy them! We know this because we personally bought all of them using money graciously provided by The Miami Herald. And if you don't think it's fun to be able to submit an expense report requesting reimbursement for a golf club made from the sexual organ of a bull, then you frankly don't know what fun is.
In addition to actually having our employer purchase these items, we here at the Gift Guide Command Center thoroughly test every item by opening the box and looking at the contents for several seconds. Sometimes we even touch the contents, unless they are meant to be inserted nasally.
It is because of this rigorous Quality Control procedure that we are able to offer our exclusive:
HOLIDAY GIFT GUIDE ''NO EXCUSES'' WARRANTY: If you purchase one of these Gift Guide items, and you for any reason whatsoever are not totally 100 percent satisfied, then simply send the item to us in its original packaging, along with the original paperwork, the original deed to your house and an original oil by the French postimpressionist painter Paul Gauguin (1848-1903). You will receive a full refund within six weeks or 125 years, whichever is later. We make no excuses for this warranty.
But enough of these legal technicalities! It's time to unveil this year's Gift Guide items, starting with the truly amazing:
CLEOPATRA NOSE LIFTER
$79.95 plus shipping and handling from Lifestyle Fascination, 110 Lehigh Ave., P.O. Box 3023, Lakewood, N.J. 08701-8123, 800-669-0987, Internet: www.lifestylefascination.com
Suggested by Annemarie Dunn of Riverton, N.J., and Sandra E. Hofstatter of La Marque, Texas.
This is the perfect holiday gift for the person on your list about whom you constantly remark: ''He or she would be SO much more attractive if his or her nostrils were narrower!''
The Cleopatra Nose Lifter is a spring-loaded device that you insert into each nostril. According to the catalog we ordered it from, the device ''lifts and sculpts your nose for that thinner, slightly upturned look.'' What is more, the catalog states, this device ''does what many 'nose jobs' do not: It narrows your nostrils to give your nose the chiseled look found in so many models.''
We feel that the Cleopatra Nose Lifter -- named for the legendary queen of ancient Egypt who was famed for putting things up her nose -- is worth buying just for the accompanying brochure, which has this inspirational quotation on the cover:
''NOW I will make my nose one millimeter higher to change my future of the 21st Century.''
Under the heading ''When To Use,'' the brochure states: ''CLEOPATRA can be used in various occasions such as a job interview, an important business meeting, a special date, a graduation ceremony or whenever taking pictures and etc.''
The brochure explains how to insert the device, using special little tweezers supplied. ''If you used incorrectly,'' the brochure warns, ''the product might cause uneasiness of slight pain.'' It also suggests that ''during the use, avoid any excessive stimulation and impact on the nose.''
Also we assume that you should avoid sneezing, because you would not make the best impression if this device came shooting out of your nose and landed in the entrée of your special date.
But despite the risks, we think you would be clinically insane not to buy this product for all the people you know who would like to change their future of the 21st Century. But beware of imitators! As the Cleopatra brochure warns:
''Notice: Since CLEOPATRA is the first only kind of various beauty-supply product a variety of imitation products of 'knock-offs' are expected. Thus, customer discretion is highly recommended.''
We could not have said it better ourselves.
NORI, THE ORIGINAL NASAL PASSAGE CLEANER
$49.50 plus shipping and handling (from the U.S. distributor) from Richard Steiner, Forchstrasse 279, 8008 Zurich, Switzerland, (011-41-1) 422-6868, email (U.S. distributor): denises@window.id.iit.edu, Internet: www2.active.ch/~gerstei/main.en.html
Suggested by alert reader Steve Hayman of Toronto, Ontario.
This would make a fine companion gift for the Cleopatra Nose Lifter: Together, they send the joyful holiday message: ''Your nose needs a LOT of work.''
The Nori Nasal Passage Cleaner is a hygiene device that cleans out those pesky nasal passages in a unique manner that is hard for the layperson to believe, or even look directly at.
''Blowing your nose is not enough!'' states the Nori promotional material, adding that a nose ''needs regular cleaning to remove buildup and residue.''
This is where the Nori, which looks like a small mutant teapot, comes into play. According to the instructions, you fill it with salt water. Then: ''While leaning over a sink, tilt your head sideways and slightly insert the spout into one nostril. Important! Your mouth must stay open! The salt water will flow through the nasal passage and come out the other nostril.''
You read that correctly: The water goes into one nostril and comes out the other . So this is not just a hygiene device: It also would make a great ''ice-breaker'' at formal dinner parties (''Hey everybody! Watch THIS!'') We understand that Martha Stewart has at least one of these devices in every room of her house.
$8.95 plus shipping and handling from NipGuards, 2232 S. Main St., #361, Ann Arbor, Mich. 48103, 734-528-3555, fax 734-528-2892, Internet: www.nipguards.com
Suggested by Peter Wray of Columbus, Ohio.
Most Americans frankly do not give enough thought to nipple protection. Or, if they do, they never say anything about it to us.
Why is nipple protection important? For a graphic answer to that question, take a gander at the official NipGuards website, www.NipGuards.com There you will see dramatic color photographs of a long-distance runner before and after he started using NipGuards. In the before picture, you can clearly see that -- get ready -- his nipples are bleeding. We don't believe that any thinking person can look at these photographs and not realize that ''Bleeding Nipples'' would be an excellent name for a rock band.
The NipGuards website also features endorsements and testimonials from runners, including the following, which we swear we are not making up:
''Thanks to NipGuards I no longer have to worry about cracked, achy, bloody nipples. Gone are the days when I dreaded taking my shirt off in front of others. I took a trip down to Florida recently and was pleasantly surprised that the salt water did not burn them. This is the first time in years that they have not burned! Thanks NipGuards for giving me back my nipples!''
We believe it was Abraham Lincoln who said, ''There is no greater gift than to give a man back his nipples.'' And so we believe that NipGuards would be a wonderful gift for that ''special guy'' on your list -- even if he's not a runner! He might be simply the kind of man who prefers to keep his nipples covered at the beach or swimming pool, thus surrounding himself with an aura of mystery and suave debonairehood that has attractive women excitedly whispering: ''I wonder what his nipples look like!''
It is an open secret in Hollywood that Brad Pitt purchases this item by the gross.
$4.95 plus shipping and handling from Deer Creek Products, 3038 NW 25th Ave., Pompano Beach, Fla. 33069, 954-978-0597. Allow 4-6 weeks for delivery.
We all love birds. Unfortunately, they are unreliable and stupid. Instead of hanging around our gardens in a decorative manner, as nature intended, they're always off migrating, pooping on cars, sitting on utility lines for no apparent reason, etc.
Fortunately, we no longer have to depend on birds to beautify our properties, thanks to this inexpensive, yet amazingly cheap, fake woodpecker. In the actual words of the catalog from which we ordered it, this woodpecker ''adds nature and charm to any garden.'' It is made from natural plastic, and it boasts a unique ''bobbing head'' feature, which means that the head is mounted on a spring, so that when a breeze blows, the head wobbles around exactly the way a real woodpecker's head would following a serious turbine accident.
If you have a nature-lover on your gift list, we cannot imagine a better gift than this woodpecker to send the heartwarming message: ''I value our relationship at under $5.'' This is the very same item that none other than Mr. Donald Trump gives as a romantic token to whatever lucky gal is currently the ''special lady'' in his life.
STINK
BUGS OF ECONOMIC IMPORTANCE IN AMERICA NORTH OF MEXICO
$69.95 plus shipping and handling from CRC Press, 2000 NW Corporate Blvd., Boca Raton, Fla. 33431, 800-272-7737, fax: 800-374-3401, Internet: www.crcpress.com
Suggested by Donna M. Thompson of Bakersfield, Calif.
Each year we try to include a literary selection in the Holiday Gift Guide, for the ''intellectual'' type of human on your list. This year we are very pleased to present one of the ''catchiest'' titles we can remember: Stink Bugs of Economic Importance in America North of Mexico.
We frankly cannot understand why this book is not already an international bestseller. It has all the elements you look for in a classic ''page-turner,'' including:
OK, perhaps not all of these elements actually appear in Stink Bugs of Economic Importance in America North of Mexico. We frankly have not had time to read it ourselves. But we are convinced, based on taking a good strong gander at it from the outside, that this book will be a huge hit with whoever gets it -- especially if you give it to some lucky youngster. Forget about the Sony PlayStation2 or those so-called ''Harry Potter'' books. Imagine the look on the face of a child when he or she opens this book and sees, for the first time in his or her young life, a chart labeled ''Crop Production and Value Summary of Important Agricultural Commodities Reportedly Damaged by Stink Bugs,'' with detailed acreage breakdowns on such crops as alfalfa, corn, macadamias and even dry beans! Do not be surprised to see the child's eyes brim with tears of happiness.
According to Hollywood insiders, Stink Bugs of Economic Importance in America North of Mexico will soon be made into a major motion picture starring Keanu Reeves as a genetically enhanced soybean plant who leads his crop in a valiant defense against a ferocious army of invading stink bugs led by the evil queen, Odora (Courtney Love).
$6.95 per set of two, plus shipping and handling from Deer Creek Products, 3038 NW 25th Ave., Pompano Beach, Fla. 33069, 954-978-0597. Allow 4-6 weeks for delivery.
If you're still using an old-fashioned rake to collect your leaves, we have exciting news for you: You're a moron.
We say this because now there's a brand-new way to pick up yard debris, which is to put on a pair of these huge plastic claws, which are the size of garbage-can lids. Now, instead of raking the lawn, you merely lean over and pick up the leaves! This means that, instead of spending hours on your lawn, within just a few minutes you'll be on your way to the hospital for emergency back surgery!
This item also has countless other uses for you or the discerning person on your holiday list. If you enjoy scratching yourself -- and who doesn't? -- you'll be able to cover WAY more surface area with this item, which is why it has been selected as the Official Hand Enhancer of Major League Baseball.
And you know how, when you're at a party, and there's a bowl of potato chips, you're able to grab only a handful at a time? How frustrating is THAT? But not any more! Now, in one grab, you can pick up the equivalent of a giant economy size bag of chips! You'll be the envy of the other guests! The results with fancy hors d'oeuvres are equally impressive. U.S. Secretary of State Madeleine Albright never attends a diplomatic reception without a pair of these babies firmly strapped on.
$4.95 plus shipping and handling from Deer Creek Products, 3038 NW 25th Ave., Pompano Beach, Fla. 33069, 954-978-0597. Allow 4-6 weeks for delivery.
Suggested by Arthur Wm. Ritter of Midlothian, Va.
For far too long, so-called ''medical experts'' have been spreading the myth that the way to lose weight is to eat less and exercise more. When are they going to get out of the ''Dark Ages'' and realize that the REAL secret to weight loss is: Wearing a ring.
At this point you're probably saying, ''Wait a minute! That sounds too easy! There must be a 'catch,' right?''
Yes, there is. It is absurd to think you can lose weight merely by wearing a ring. That makes no sense! The scientific fact is: You must wear the ring on the correct finger. We know this is true because it says so right in the catalog from which we ordered this incredible fat-reducing ring. Here is a direct quotation, written by somebody who clearly is not about to be intimidated by the so-called ''rules of grammar'':
''Japanese believe that by applying pressure on a particular finger, you can loose weight in a specific area. Each pressure point works to control a different area in your body. Thumb is for face, index finger is for hips, middle finger is for buttocks, ring finger is for stomach and pinky is for thighs.''
Whoa! Talk about a simple and logical solution that has been staring us in the face all along! We're sure you'll want to buy a fat-reducing ring for yourself and everybody on your gift list who needs a cheerful holiday reminder that he or she is a bucket of lard. Remember: The cast members of Friends wear these rings on virtually every digit they possess.
''PET
CHIME'' DOG-OPERATED ELECTRONIC DOOR CHIME
$29.95 plus shipping and handling from Pettails.com, 415 Pisgah Church Rd., Suite 344, Greensboro, N.C. 27455, 877-PET-TAIL (877-738-8245), fax: 336-288-8922, Internet: www.pettails.com
Suggested by Lillian Srivastava of Chicago, Ill., and Joyce Deily of Charlottesville, Va.
How can you tell if your dog wants to go outside?
This question has plagued the human race for millions of years. Traditionally, dogs have alerted their masters by going to the door and then either whimpering, barking, scratching the door, or making wee-wee on the floor. Some dogs do all four of these things, just to make sure the master gets the message.
But the days of ''low-tech'' communication between dog and owner are finally over, thanks to the amazing PetChime dog-operated wireless electronic door chime. When the dog wishes to go out, it simply presses its paw on a special pedal; this activates a chime that, according to the PetChime literature, can be programmed to go either ''woof-woof'' or ''bing-bong.''
In short, this is the ultimate gift for the dog-owner on your gift list. Just imagine how thrilled that person will be when his or her dog learns how to operate the PetChime foot pedal (allow six to 19 years). Our guess is that the dog will be extremely excited about discovering yet another way to make noise. We would not be surprised if the dog filled the house with the happy electronic sound of ''woof woof'' (or ''bing-bong'') at all hours of the day and night! Perhaps some day you will be able to buy a companion device called the MasterReprimand, so that the master could simply push a button to activate a recorded message that would shout at the dog: ''STOP PRESSING THE PET CHIME PEDAL, DAMMIT!'' The dog, hearing this stern reprimand, would immediately make wee-wee on the floor.
REMOTE
CONTROLLED FLATULENCE MACHINE
$17.99 plus shipping and handling from Northern Tool and Equipment, P.O. Box 1499, Burnsville, Minn. 55337, 800-221-0516, Internet: www.northerntool.com
Suggested by Bob Tanner of Gwynn's Island, Va., and Arthur Wm. Ritter of Midlothian, Va.
We shall not mince words: This is the finest remote-controlled flatulence machine that we personally are aware of. Using the remote control, the user can generate a realistically electronic flatulence noise from 50 feet away . . . even through walls!
This is not a child's toy, like the so-called ''whoopee cushion.'' This is a serious piece of high-tech flatulence equipment, identical to the one carried by U.S. Navy Seals on top-secret covert operations intended to destabilize foreign leaders. This is also the machine employed by the White House social staff to ''loosen up the crowd'' at formal functions. The legendary night it was used on Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II is still viewed as one of the diplomatic highlights of the Clinton administration, at least until her bodyguards opened fire.
This device can also be used to add a welcome touch of humor to autopsies and funerals. It is also very effective when concealed inside the bustle of a bridal gown. The Vatican orders these by the gross.
In short, if there is a better gift than this for emitting a true whiff of the holiday spirit, we cannot imagine what it is.
$99.95 plus shipping and handling (Fog Juice: $9.95 per quart) from Halloween Online Store, 825 College Blvd. Suite 102-403, Oceanside, Calif. 92057, phone 661-297-1851, Internet: www.store-halloween.com
Wouldn't it be great if, whenever you wanted, you could become invisible? Well, now you can, thanks to the Fog Master, an amazing device that combines three of the most scientific forces known to man -- electricity, chemicals and remote control -- and somehow turns them into fog.
Think of the practical applications of this device. Let's say a police officer has caught you jaywalking, and intends to write you a ticket. While he's getting out his paperwork, you simply open your briefcase, pull out your Fog Master, fill the reservoir with the special Fog Juice, plug the electrical cord into a standard AC wall outlet, wait for the Fog Master to warm up, press the remote-control switch and . . . SHAZAM! You are surrounded by a dense cloud! Mr. Police Officer has NO IDEA where you are! You can steal his hat with impunity!
Or let's say you're stuck at work, when you'd really rather be playing golf. Simply fire up your Fog Master, and within seconds your cubicle will be completely fogged in, allowing you to sneak out of the office, while your boss naturally assumes you're still inside the fog, working away! You can make this illusion even more effective by using the previous item in this gift guide. (''He must be somewhere in his cubicle, because I keep hearing flatulence!'')
The Fog Master also has social benefits. Imagine how impressive you'll look when you ''take the floor'' at a swank dance club carrying your own personal fog-generating device, powered via an extension cord. You'll be a one-person ''disco'' extravaganza! The opposite gender will go insane with lust! Your top swingers such as Mr. George Hamilton and the late Mr. Dean Martin would not even consider going on a date without this device. This holiday season, give the most precious gift of all: The gift of obscurity.
$59.95 plus shipping and handling from Good Catalog Company, 700 NE 55th St., Portland, Ore. 97213, phone 800-225-3870, fax 503-249-0708, Internet: www.goodcatalog.com
Suggested by Jim Martin of Soquel, Calif.
For far too long, the human race, when it hears a noise in the house at night, has been forced to carry a baseball bat in one hand and a flashlight in another. After spending decades trying to improve this system, the top engineers in the world came up with an amazing breakthrough concept: Put a flashlight inside a baseball bat! Now you carry a single device that enables you to both shine a light on an intruder, AND strike him with a bat. Unfortunately, because the light is in the end of the bat, you cannot do both of these things at the same time. Your best bet is to instruct the intruder to stand absolutely still while you take your backswing, so you'll be sure to make contact with him.
But this item is not just a highly effective weapon against criminals with tiny brains. It can also provide a definite ''edge'' in a baseball game, where the batter can use the light to flash Morse Code signals to his teammates, or to temporarily blind members of the opposing team. How do you think the so-called ''New York Yankees'' keep winning the World Series?
So this is the perfect gift for the sports enthusiast on your list, as well as anybody who needs personal protection. Your top New York fashion models all have flashlight bats tucked away in their handbags. It also fits perfectly on a keychain.
$20 plus shipping and handling from J.C. Penney Catalog, Catalog Fulfillment Center, Atlanta, Ga. 30390, 800-222-6161, Internet: www.jcpenney.com
We deeply regret to report that, after we ordered and photographed the puppy umbrella, the product was discontinued. We decided to leave it in the gift guide anyway, because we sincerely wanted you, our readers, to know that we have one and you don't, neener neener.
Suggested by Tauba Ingenthron of St. Louis, Mo.
Here is a gift for the person on your list who has one of those small, irritating dogs that look like pieces of lint that have somehow learned to bark. As you probably know, small yappy dogs do NOT like to go out in the rain, so their owners often have to try to protect them with umbrellas. But umbrellas are stupidly designed to protect humans, which means that often the dog becomes, God forbid, wet.
But now, thanks to this amazing new umbrella concept, the dog-owner on your list can keep little Fifi as dry as a ''bone'' (ha ha!).
Unfortunately, it does NOT protect the owner, who will probably catch pneumonia and die. But that is a small price to pay for a small, irritating dog's personal comfort.
This umbrella would also work beautifully with other ''critters'' such as hamsters, chickens, snakes and children under one year. This item is also carried at all times by the personal chauffeur for Mr. Dustin Hoffman.
Bib, $4.95; Diaper Shirt, $12.95; Playsuit, $14.95; Booties, $4.95; plus shipping and handling from Cabela's, One Cabela Dr., Sidney, Neb. 69160, 800-237-4444, fax 800-496-6329, Internet: www.cabelas.com
Suggested by Caroline Heald of Alexandria, Va.
Here at the Gift Guide we are huge fans of the outdoor sportsperson community, which is always thinking of exciting new products for sportspersons to purchase in their ongoing effort to win the ''battle of wits'' against, for example, fish.
This year we have a very special gift item: camouflage clothing for children. It's about time! All too often, a hunt is ruined when a deer or pheasant spots an uncamouflaged baby and flees before Dad or Mom has a chance to blow its head off. But now, thanks to the ''Kid's Camo'' clothing line, the baby will be undetectable! In fact, Dad or Mom better not set the baby down, lest it blend into the environment and disappear, forcing Mom or Dad to attempt to locate it by crawling around the ground, sniffing dog-like for the telltale scent of a loaded diaper.
But even the non-outdoorsperson parent can benefit from this clothing line. Suppose you want to go to a swanky restaurant, but you can't get a babysitter. No problem! Simply put some ''Kid's Camo'' on your baby and waltz right past the snooty maitre d'! Or let's say you have to take your baby on an airplane trip. With ''Kid's Camo,'' your baby can scream his or her little head off, but the other passengers will have no idea where the sound is coming from! You can act just as annoyed as everyone else!
The benefits for day-care center operators are even more impressive. Thanks to ''Kid's Camo,'' Mrs. Bernice Poodlewicket of Rochester, N.Y., was able to take 17 three-year-olds undetected to a matinee showing of the hit movie Meet the Parents. Four of these children are believed to be still in the theater somewhere, happily thriving on dropped popcorn.
$99.95 plus shipping and handling from Pure Bull Products, P.O. Box 109, Lehi, Utah 84043, 877-828-3700, Internet: www.purebull.com
Here is a truly tasteful and extremely masculine item for the golfer on your holiday gift list. This is a putter made, in the words of the manufacturer, from ''the reproductive organ of a bull.'' When you see the size of this thing, you are definitely going to experience deep gratitude that you are not a cow of the female gender.
The bull putter comes with . . . no, wait, strike that. We mean to say the bull putter is accompanied by a list of hilarious ''one-liners,'' such as ''improve your stroke'' and ''be the stiffest competition on the course.'' It would not surprise us to learn that Tiger Woods has one of these babies in his bag, and whips it out to ''break the ice'' during tense moments in the Master's tournament. Mr. Sylvester Stallone has ordered more than 30 dozen of this item, and still is not sure he has enough.
It goes without saying that the president of the United States is never more than arm's length from this item.
''SUPERHEAR''
ELECTRONIC HEARING DEVICE
$7.95 plus shipping and handling from Deer Creek Products, 3038 NW 25th Ave., Pompano Beach, Fla. 33069, 954-978-0597. Allow 4-6 weeks for delivery.
Here is the perfect gift for the person on your list who is engaged in espionage or law-enforcement surveillance. This device is designed to enable the user to secretly ''listen in'' on conversations. ''Similar unit used by law and order agents,'' states the sales literature.
Just take a gander at some of the ''high-tech'' features of this device, as listed in the operating instructions:
At this point you are saying: ''Wow! A headset, a scientific design, an integrated circuit, a power light AND a volume control with actual numbers on it! his device must cost an arm and a leg!''
And that is exactly where you are wrong, my friend. This unit sells for just $7.95 -- about what it costs to see an Adam Sandler movie!
How can it possibly sell for such an amazingly low price? The answer is brilliantly simple: It doesn't work. At least ours doesn't. When you try to listen in on a conversation, you hear voices, but they don't seem to be any louder; they're just distorted. In fact, you hear the conversation more clearly when you turn the Superhear's high-tech volume-control feature to the increment setting of ''off.''
So this device is probably best suited for the law-enforcement agent who is forced to conduct surveillance on really boring criminals, and thus would rather not know what they are saying. We also have a theory that if you used this device to listen to ''hip-hop'' music, you would actually be able to understand the lyrics. But we are nowhere near stupid enough to test that theory ourselves.
$15 plus shipping and handling from Demeter Scents, 83 Second Ave., New York, N.Y. 10003, phone: 800-482-0422; Internet: www.fp1.com/shopping/demeter/demeterhome.html
Suggested by Kim Dinell of Wichita, Kan., Carol Dow of Roanoke, Va., and Marian Wood of Sandy Hook, Conn.
If you are sick and tired of giving the same old cologne scents year after year, then this is the gift concept for you. Instead of boring fragrances that smell like flowers, fruits, spices, etc., you could give one that smells like . . . earthworms! Yes, ''Earthworm'' is an actual fragrance sold by this company. Another one is ''Dirt.'' And here's a festive scent for the holidays: ''Funeral Home.''
We scientifically tested the ''Earthworm,'' ''Dirt'' and ''Funeral Home'' colognes by having some people in our office sniff them. The testers agreed that each of the colognes definitely smelled like something, although to be honest nobody around here has ever taken a really good whiff of an earthworm.
In any event, we are certain that these colognes will be a big hit for the special somebody on your holiday gift list who likes to ''make an impression'' upon entering a confined space. (''What's that odor?'' ''I don't know, but it smells like a corpse!'')
$84.99 plus shipping and handling from Cabela's, One Cabela Dr., Sidney, Neb. 69160, phone 800-237-4444, fax 800-496-6329, Internet: www.cabelas.com
Suggested by Roy Myers and Cheryl Hoffman of Electric City, Wash.
Here is the ultimate gift for the gourmet individual on your list who, when he or she gets hungry, exclaims: ''I sure could go for a piece of snake!''
Aside from eight ounces of rattlesnake fillets, this Reptile Sampler includes one pound of frog legs, one pound of alligator fillets and eight ounces of turtle fillets. It also comes with a Special Recipe Reptile Batter and a detailed recipe, which, we are pleased to report, involves beer.
We scientifically tested this item by inviting some knowledgeable individuals to the Gift Guide Command Center on the pretext of giving them a regular dinner. We then confronted them with the reptile meats, which were prepared by an associate of ours named Gene Singletary. Gene is a top catering professional, and although he does not get a lot of requests for rattlesnake-based hors d'oeuvres, he did an extremely professional job of battering these meats and then frying the heck (or, as French chefs say, ''fryant la heque'') out of them.
The verdict of our taste-testing panel was that the best part of the Reptile Sampler was the fried batter. The least-appealing part was the actual reptile meats per se, which tended to feel, when you tried to chew them, as though they were still resisting capture. Fortunately, our taste-testers had been fortified by adult beverages, so they ''gamely'' sampled all the reptiles, and even had a spirited intellectual gourmet debate, which included the following actual exchange:
PERSON ONE: The snake is chewier than the turtle.
PERSON TWO: No, the turtle is chewier than the snake.
PERSON ONE: Yes, but a snake can EAT a turtle.
In conclusion,
we think this is as an excellent gift to send to somebody who lives
extremely far away and thus cannot possibly invite you to dinner.