DAVE BARRY'S QUALIFICATIONS TO BE PRESIDENT
CULTURAL: Dave Barry owns a Fender Stratocaster guitar that was played by Bruce Springsteen (specific song: "Gloria"). Dave Barry also plays lead guitar in a mostly-author rock band called The Rock Bottom Remainders, which also features Mitch Albom, Kathi Goldmark, James McBride, Stephen King, Ridley Pearson, Amy Tan and Warren Zevon. This band sometimes performs a song written by Dave Barry called "The Tupperware Blues," believed to be the only blues song ever written exclusively about the benefits of Tupperware.
The Rock Bottom Remainders
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AGRICULTURE: In an effort to better appreciate
the situation of the American Farmer, Dave Barry once went to Illinois
and stuck his arm into a porthole that had
been installed in the side of a cow. From this experience, Dave Barry
learned that the American Farmer had better wash his hands thoroughly.
THE ENVIRONMENT: In a courageous effort
to fight litter, Dave Barry and his optometrist once transformed themselves
into a pair of litter-fighting superheroes named "Captain
Tidy" and "Neatness Man." They disguised their identities by wearing
masks and tights, and they rode around Miami in a limousine, looking for
litterbugs and giving them a good scolding. This was a very courageous
thing for Dave Barry to do, considering the number of Miami residents
who carry guns.
EDUCATION: Dave Barry once appeared as a
celebrity contestant on Wheel of Fortune.
In this capacity, he helped millions of Americans understand the critical
difference between consonants and vowels. (The difference is, you have
to buy vowels.)
MILITARY SERVICE: In 1994, Dave Barry was taken for a ride in an F-16 fighter jet and threw up at least eight times, believed to be a modern aviation record.
PUBLIC SERVICE: In 1994, Dave Barry set fire to a pair of men's undershorts with a sparking Barbie doll on the David Letterman show. No other current presidential candidate can make this statement.
SPORTS: Although Dave Barry has never technically
played in the National Basketball Association, Dave Barry did once get
dunked by Grant Long, currently of the
FOREIGN-POLICY EXPERIENCE: Dave Barry has lived for 13 years in a foreign country (Miami). He has also traveled to other foreign places such as France (Part I & Part II)and can communicate the concepts of "beer" and "another beer, please" in at least five languages.
MONICA LEWINSKY: Dave Barry does not personally know Monica Lewinsky, but he did once watch her climb a fire escape.