Sunday, August 3, 2003
THE MIAMI HERALD
A REAR-GUARD ATTACK ON A NEW PRODUCT
Buttocks. Most of us have them. But what can we do to make
them more attractive?
For centuries, the unfortunate answer has been: "Not
very much." We have had to accept the buttocks we were
given by Mother Nature, who is a big prankster when it comes
to body parts.
men, this is no big deal. Men can go for decades without thinking
about their buttocks. A man's buttocks could have moss growing
on them (I have seen this) and he would not necessarily be
aware of it.
same cannot be said of the opposite sex (women). Women think
about their buttocks a great deal, and inevitably conclude,
over the course of time, that they are hideous globs of curdled
fat that must never be seen by another human. As a professional
journalist, I have spent many hours professionally observing
women at the beach, and I would say that, statistically, somewhere
between 100 and 115 percent of all middle-aged women are using
some kind of buttocks-concealment mechanism, such as a towel,
or a sarong, or remaining in the car.
women are extremely vigilant about not exposing themselves;
they never emerge from the water without instantly transforming
into Buttocks Concealment Mode. If a huge mutant man-eating
lobster were to come lunging out of the surf, waving the Claws
of Doom, I guarantee that its first victim would be a middle-aged
woman, because while everybody else was sprinting away in
terror, she would stop to put on her sarong.
I am pleased to report that the long nightmare era of innocent
women running the risk of being consumed by giant crustaceans
is over. Because now there is an amazing new buttocks-enhancement
product on the market called the "Biniki." What
is the Biniki? It is, in a nutshell, a brassiere for the rear.
was brought to my attention by my colleague at The Miami Herald,
fashion editor Shelley Acoca. Shelley is not the kind of person
who casually uses the term "an amazing breakthrough product
that every woman simply must have." And, sure enough,
she did not use this term to describe the Biniki. I believe
the term she used was "stupid."
did send me a bunch of press information on the Biniki. According
to the official website (www.biniki-fashions.com) it was invented
by a Dr. Karin Hart, Ph.D., a psychologist from, of all places,
California. Dr. Hart came up with the idea in 1998, when she
noticed that her own personal buttocks were sagging. So she
developed a support garment consisting of two loops and a
waistband. She patented it, and is now generously making it
available to the public in exchange for money. In the frank
and unbiased opinion of whoever wrote the Biniki press release,
this is a historic development in women's garments.
have become nearly universal since their invention in 1889,
" states the release. "But no one has catered to
the rear end until Biniki."
we should applaud Dr. Hart's effort to cater to the rear end.
And I'm sure that every woman who tries this product will
be as excited as "J.M. Danielle, " who, in a testimonial
on the Biniki Internet site, states that she wore her Biniki
to work and was pleased with the reaction of co-workers to
her enhanced rear end.
couldn't quite put their finger on it, " she states (really),
"but I definitely had a lot of compliments."
one concern. You may have noticed that women are wearing their
pants lower and lower. At least they are here in Miami. I
am seeing women - including older women - walking around in
pants that are so low that they verge on not being pants at
all, but are more like two independent, unconnected pants
legs, also known as "chaps."
is that, if female pants continue to descend at their current
rate - currently estimated by government scientists at about
a quarter-inch a month - and at the same time the Biniki becomes
popular, resulting in a raising of the general female buttocks
population . . . well, you don't have to be a rocket scientist
to predict what's going to happen.
going to happen is that I'm going to enroll my daughter in
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