REMOTE CONTROLLED FLATULENCE MACHINE
plus shipping and handling from Northern Tool and Equipment, P.O.
Box 1499, Burnsville, Minn. 55337, 800-221-0516, Internet: www.northerntool.com
by Bob Tanner of Gwynn's Island, Va., and Arthur Wm. Ritter of
not mince words: This is the finest remote-controlled flatulence
machine that we personally are aware of. Using the remote control,
the user can generate a realistically electronic flatulence noise
from 50 feet away . . . even through walls!
not a child's toy, like the so-called ''whoopee cushion.'' This
is a serious piece of high-tech flatulence equipment, identical
to the one carried by U.S. Navy Seals on top-secret covert operations
intended to destabilize foreign leaders. This is also the machine
employed by the White House social staff to ''loosen up the crowd''
at formal functions. The legendary night it was used on Her Majesty
Queen Elizabeth II is still viewed as one of the diplomatic highlights
of the Clinton administration, at least until her bodyguards opened
can also be used to add a welcome touch of humor to autopsies and
funerals. It is also very effective when concealed inside the bustle
of a bridal gown. The Vatican orders these by the gross.
In short, if there is a better gift than this for emitting a
true whiff of the holiday spirit, we cannot imagine what it is.