Column Books - contents

Bad Habits 1985

Contents
HOUSEHOLD PERILS

It's in the Genes
Barbecuing Is the Pits
A Solution to Housework
Three-Pronged Attack
They've Got Our Number
Okay, Now Try the Engine
The Problem with Pets

GOVERNMENTAL FOLLIES

Fungus on the Economy21
Give Wall Street Credit23
Outbungling the Commies25
It's Drafty in Here27
MX Is the Way to Go. 'Bye29
MX Service Warranty31
Birthday Celebration33
Why Not a Postal Service?35
The Leak Detectors37
States for Sale, Cheap39
There Auto Be a law41
You'll Look Radiant43
Caution: Government at Work46

TAXATION WITHOUT RESERVATION

A Taxing Proposal51
Our Patriotic Booty53
Taxpayer's Blues55

THE MEDIA IS THE MESS-UP
Perking Up the News61
Junkyard Journalism63
Bring Back Captain Video65
In Depth, but Shallowly68
Radio's Air Heads71
What to Ban on Video73
Subtract Those Ads74

LOW FINANCE
A Matter of Life and Debt81
Full-Service Bankruptcy83
The Net May Be Gross85
Anti-Insurance Policy87
Build Your Own Mess89
God Needs the Money91

HEALTH HABITS
Exercising Your Rights97
Programs for the Unfit98
Jogging for President100
A Cold Cure? Who Nose?102
Male Delivery Room104
Tale of the Tapeworm106
Injurious to Your Wealth108
Psychiatrist for Rent110
Oaf of Hippocrates112
"Great Baby! Delicious!''114
B - - - - sts and Baby Care117
Suet Won't Do It118
Dentistry Self-Drilled122

CULTURE STAGGERS ON

Art Cuts Really Sphinx
Some Art, Some Art Not
Music to Get Rich By
Prurient Interest Rate
Compressed Classics

A LITTLE LEARNING

Basic Frog Glop143
Schools Not So Smart145
Why We Don't Read146
What Is and Ain't Grammatical149
It Takes a Lot of Gaul151
How to Trap a Zoid153
College Admissions156

SCIENTIFIC STUFF
Barry's Key to Life161
Basic as Atom and Eve163
Boredom on the Wing165
What's Alien You?167
The Computer: Is It Terminal?169
Bring Back Carl's Plaque171
Socket to Them173
Cloudy with a Chance of .175

EAT, DRINK, AND BE WARY
The Art of Wine Snobbery179
Beer Is the Solution180
Hold the Bean Sprouts182
Rooting for Rutabagas185

TRAVELING LIGHT

Vacation Reservations191
Trip to Balmy California193
The Plane Truth195
Destination: Maybe198

THE SPORTING LIFE
Unsportsmanlike Conduct203
Football Deflated205
Gunning for Safety207
Something Fishy here209

TIPS FROM THE BOTTOM
Serf Wanted215
Wedding Etiquette217
"Look! I Got You a Gift!''219
About Lawn Order221
The Law vs. Justice223
Into the Round File225

*****

GREATEST HITS 1988 Crown

Why Humor Is Funny
Snews
Public-Spirited Citizens Such as You
The Snake
Ye Olde Humor Columne
A Boy and His Hobby
Daze of Wine and Roses
Randomly Amongst the Blobs
Valuable Presidential Freebies!
Valuable Scam Offer
&*^(*&D^)(^&S)*D&F)(*D&F)(*D&S)(F*&SD)(F&*)(DS*^&F&^&^&^
Molecular Homicide
Way to Go, Roscoe!
Tax Attacks
Yup the Establishment
Pain & Suffering
The Deadly Wind
The House of the Seven Figures
Can New York Save Itself?
A Boy and His Diplodocus
Young Frankincense
Peace on Earth, but No Parking
Hey Babe Hum Babe Hum Babe Hey
Red, White, and Beer
Why Not the Best?

Making the World Safe for Salad
Trouble on the Line
Read This First
The Urban Professionals
The Plastic, Fantastic Cover
Bang the Tupperware Slowly
Bite the Wax Tadpole!
The Rules
The S8.95 Tax Plan
Mutant Fleas Terrorize Midwest
Booked to Death
Hot Books and Hot Coals
The Hair Apparent
TV or Not TV
The Embarrassing Truth
A Million Words
Subhumanize Your Living Room
The Lure of the Wild
Earning a Collie Degree
Some Thoughts on the Toilet
The Elements of Elegance
Restrooms and Other Resorts
Revenge of the Pork Person
Slope Flake
Shark Treatment
Electromaggots
The Lesson of History
Sock It to Me
The D-Word
Catching Hell
Mrs. Beasley Froze for Our Sins
The Columnist's Caper
A Rash Proposal
He Knows Not What He Writes
Man Bites Dog
"Adventure Dog"
Slow Down and Die

Sacking the Season212
Why Sports Is a Drag215
Batting Clean-Up and Striking Out219
Snots at Sea222
Sic, Sic, Sic225
The Light Side of Smoking228
Ear Wax in the Fog231
1987: Look Back in Horror234
Air Bags for Wind Bags251
Iowa's Safe but You'll Be Sorry254
Europe on Five Vowels a Day257
When You Grotto Go260
Ground Control to Major Tomb264
Where Saxophones Come From268
The Secrets of Life Itself271
Heat? No Sweat274
Blowing the Big Game278
The Swamp Man Cometh281
Clan of the Cave Rhinoceros285

*******

TALKS BACK 1991 Crown

CONTENTS
Introduction1

Introducing:Mr. Humor Person
(This Column Is Funny)10
Blow-Up16
Moby Yuck21
The Bovine Comedy25
Apocalypse Cow29
Pop Coes the Weasel34
CheepSex39
Death by Toothpick43

What Has Four Legs and Flies
Flying Fish51
Amphibious Assault56

Children May Be Hazardous to Your Health61
Attack of the Cartoon Animal Heads66
Don't Box Me In70
Un Nintended Benefits74
Licking the Drug Problem78
A Brush with Gardening82
Captains Outrageous86
S]ip of Fools90
Death Wormed Over94
They Might Be Giants98
Blimey! Frognal Cockfosters!103
Dentists in Paradise107
This Takes Guts111
Taking the Zip Out of Zippy116
Yellow Journalism120
Just Say No to Rugs125
Things That Go Hornk in the Night129
Beetlejuice134

Skivvying Up the Profits
Rotten to the Core
Well Endowed 146
Pranks for the Memories
Silent Night, Holy %*&?
Garbage Scan158
Where You Can Stick the Sticker Price
Lemon Harangue 167
Traffic Infraction, He Wrote 172
The Do-It-Yourself Deficit-Reduction Contest176
The Shocking Solution to the Budget Deficit181
Bug Off! 18
Insect Aside190
Tax Fax195
English, As It Were200
It's a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World205
Getting M*A*S*H*E*D210
Taking the Manly Way Out214
Life's a Hitch, and Then You Cry218
Getting Physical 222
Stress for Success 226
Sports Nuts 230
The Male Animal 235
Male Fixations 239
The Web Badge of Courage
Confessions of a Weenie
Blood, Sweat, and Beers
An Offer They Can't Refuse
The Roll of the Humorist
Full-Bore Book Tour
Coffee? Tea? Weasel Spit?
I'm Dave. Fly Me.
We Will Barry You
Afterword 284

******

DAVE BARRY IS NOT MAKING THIS UP 1994 Crown

CONTENTS

Introduction
Food for Thought2
Father Faces Life6 (natural childbirth)
Pumped Up13
Dirty Dancing17
A Left-Handed Compliment 21
A Space Odyssey26
Plumber's Helper46
Watch Your Rear50
It's a Gas54
The Unkindest Cut of All 59
Tarts Afire 63
Insect Aside67

Invasion of the Money Snatchers
Hell on Wings7W
6
The Great Mall of China
Haute Holes100
Courtroom Confessions
Over His Head110
Moby Dave114
Shark Bait131
Captains Uncourageous
The Living Bra
Crime Busters
False Alarm
The World's Fastest Lawn Mower
Who Was That Masked Man?
HeartsThatAreTrue161
Now That's Scary174
Mustang Davey178
The Whammies182
The Worst Songs Ever Recorded
And the Winner Is...
The Old-timers Game
Breaking the Ice
Consumers from Mars
Say Uncle 210
Punctuation 'R Easy
You've Gotta Be Kidding
Sexual Intercourse
Nerds "R" Us
Uneasy Rider
Dave's Real World
A Failure to Communicate

*******

Dave Barry is from Mars AND Venus 1997 Crown

TABLE OF CONTENTS (saved as marsvenus on xywrite)

I AM NOW A TRAINED EGGBEATER 17
AVENGING DEATH KILLER OF DOOM 20
LOSING FACE (LIVING SMART) 24
WEIGHT LOSS THROUGH ANTI-GRAVITY 28
THE HOT SEAT 33
THE PILGRIMS WERE TURKEYS 37
HOW TO CURE THE DRUG PROBLEM 41
DON'T KNOW MUCH ABOUT HISTORY 45
THIS POET DON'T KNOW IT 49
THE MEDICAL BOOM 53
GOBBLE GOBBLE EEEEEEEK! 57
MESSAGE FROM THE STARS 61
READY TO WEAR / FASHION TIPS FOR MEN 65
FORE PLAY 69
WARP SPEED 74
DASHING THROUGH THE SNOW....78
MUSH! 82
SOMETHING IN THE AIR 86
WHEEL OF MISFORTUNE 90
THIS ONE WILL KILL YOU 94
THE FAT LADY SINGS 98
BORRRINNNG! 102
LET'S DO LUNCH 106
THE LOBSTER REBELLION 110
ANIMAL RIGHTS 114
OUR NATIONAL PASTIME 119
HERE COMES THE BRIDE 123
THE CIGAR AVENGER 127
THE INCREDIBLE SHRINKING BRAIN 131
ROAD WARRIORS 135
ABS-OLUTE MADNESS 139
PLANET OF THE APES 144
GOOD FOR WHAT AILS YOU (LATEX GLOVES/ITEMS UP YOUR NOSE) 148
EUREKA! 152
BEEWARE 156
THE NEW MAD SCIENCE 160
MY SUMMER VACATION 164
MY SON THE TEENAGE DRIVER 168
INVASION OF THE KILLER LAWYERS 172
BOY GENIUS 176
NO RESPECT 181
THE NAME GAME 185
BORN TO BE JERKS 189
THE PEOPLE'S COURT 193
TUNED IN, TUNED OFF 197
SNUGGLE BEAR MUST DIE! 201
WHUPPING MR. WHIPPLE 205
BEWARE THE EAGLE EYE 210
BRAIN SLUDGE 214
DUDE, READ ALL ABOUT IT! 218
INVASION OF THE TREE SHEEP 222
FOOD FIGHT 226
SPEED TRAP 230
THE HAM TERRORIST 234
I AM NOT A CROOK 239
DAVE MEETS THE DEATH TREE 243
UP A TREE 247
ONE POTATO TWO POTATO... 251
THE EVIL EYE 254
CONFLICT MANAGEMENT (MARRIED PEOPLE:COPING WITH ANGER) 258
MR. DAVE'S BEAUTY TIPS 262
STEALING THE SHOW 266

*****

not taking this sitting down

politically correct
let's get physical
my final answer is...go back to your spacehsip, regis
rubber-band man
from now on, let women kill their own spiders
here's mud in your eye
eye of the beholder
fore
fore II
another road hog with too much oink
bon appetit
road warrior
weird science
the tool man
the toilet police
smuggler's blues
head to head
gone to the dogs
the nose knows
missing in action
why abe was a geek
rock of ages
mr language person on nitches yores and defective sea lions
caught between a czech and a slovakia
parlez-vous francais
an aesthetically challenged american in paris (part II)
a blatant case of slanted journalism
prison is deductible
how to handle the irs
coffe tea or dried wood chips
betting on the ponies
my son's college apartment has a pleasant pepperoni motif
the gulf between father and son is called quantum physics
day trading for dummies including nap times, bankruptcy laws
stay tuned to fearplex, for more panic all day, every day
the wait for the tub is forever since the frogs moved in
a titanic splash (again)
blair witch mystery solved: the seal did it
a rolling stone
decaf poopacino
good for what ails you
a critic a crocodile and a kubrick voila!
grammar: de letter of de law
the unfriendly skies
pine sap transfusions could save your christmas tree's life
dont eat the muskrats or the poinsettia au gratin
everything i know about dieting i learned on leeza
the banzai chef
turkey day
independence day
high fivin, bosom ogling soccer lizard must die
build yourself a killer bod with killer bees
high-tech twinkie wars will be no picnic
be an internet millionaire, and we may like you
this real man can drive any truck named tonka
wrestling's first rule: cover your masculine region
you don't wanna know what's under his hood
the boob tube
and don't forget...tassels for all the generals
a watchdog never drops his guard -- except for dessert
nuke the stalker sparrow that fowled fabio
batman to the rescue
the fountain of youth
he would flee bosoms, but his car is booted
the birth of wail
survival of mankind rides on the successful pickup line
baby hormones have taken over my wife, and all i can say is waahh
today's baby showers require an ark to haul home the loot
labor dispute
voyage of the stuffed
my workday: nap, toenail inspection, nap, underwear check, nap

*******
boogers are my beat 2003

Table of Contents
Introduction viii
A Wacky Path for Politics 1 (3)
Wrong! It Wasn't Humphrey 4 (3)
Why Not Poke a Hole in a Candidate's Eyeball? 7 (3)
Now It's Time to Say Thanks for the Chads That Don't Count 10 (3)
Party Time, Texas-Style 13 (6)
It's Party Time, As Philly Gets Phunky 19 (3)
Party Politics 22 (3)
"Rolling Roll Call" Makes Bad Idea Last Even Longer 25 (3)
Encounter with Falwell Gets Surprisingly Intimate 28 (3)
George W. Survives His GOP Convention Speech 31 (3)
Real People, Real Issues, Full Nudity 34 (3)
There's Glitz, Glamour, the Clintons-but Where's Al? 37 (3)
Campaign Trail, Freeways, Finally Lead to a Vast Parking Lot 40 (3)
Joe Goes Hollywood As Al Plans to Be "Riveting" 43 (3)
Now It's Safe to Do Some Unconventional Thinking 46 (5)
Call Security 51 (3)
Frozen Lips, Barefoot Skaters-and Who Let All Those Dogs Out 54 (3)
For a Weird Cult, They're Pretty Friendly 57 (3)
Competitive Ski Jumping Is a Weighty Issue 60 (3)
Gosh! Heck! Utahans Angry About Skating 63 (3)
Don't Trust Any Judge with Two First Names 66 (3)
Buses and Mucus 69 (6)
In a Battle of Wits with Kitchen Appliances, I'm Toast 75 (4)
Camping at Wal-Mart Parking Lot Is Survival of Fittest 79 (4)
War on Smoking Always Has Room for Another Lawyer 83 (3)
Fill Out the Census and Win Your Own Bureaucracy 86 (3)
Choice Between Death and Taxes Smoking Gets Easier and Easier 89 (3)
Don't Forget to Consider Feng Shui-and Other Deck Tips 92 (3)
Was It "Hi-ho" or "Hi-yo," or Did the Lone Ranger Have a Lisp? 95 (4)
Who Was That Masked Social Security Recipient? 99 (3)
He Didn't Just Buy a House-He Bought a Home Repair 102 (3)
How to Drive a Man Wild with Desire? Even a Stiff Breeze Works 105 (3)
Your Child Deserves a Halloween Costume
by Calvin Klein Industry 108 (4)
100 Years of Solitude, for Customer Service 112 (3)
Don't Fear to Tread 115 (3)
Terror on Flight 611-There's a Baby on Board, Ready to Shriek Waiting 118 (3)
Humvee Satisfies a Man's Lust for Winches 121 (3)
Dead or Alive, Turkeys Can Fowl Up Your Life 124 (3)
By the Way, Those Turkey Snakes Have Giant Fangs,Too 127 (3)
A GPS Helps a Guy Always Know Where His Couch Is 130 (4)
Road to Romantic Ruin Paved with Chain Saws 134 (3)
Nice Words About the IRS on the Way to Leavenworth 137 (3)
Daddy's Little Girl a Republican Barbie 140 (3)
Onward, Upward Go the Sherpa and Schlepper 143 (4)
Considerate Guests Use the Gas Station Bathroom 147 (3)
Ban Cellphones-Unless You're Attacked by a Giant Squid 150 (3)
Quality! Craftsmanship! Service Contract! 153 (3)
At 17 (Months), Her Music Tastes Match Dad's 156 (3)
He's Got a Broom and He's Not Afraid to Use It 159 (3)
There's No Denying Nature's Wake-up Call 162 (3)
Grab Your Pajamas, It's World Series Time 165 (3)
Burger King Puts Workers' Feet to the Fire-Literally 168 (3)
A Truly Terrifying Act 171 (3)
Owner's Manual Step No. 1 174 (3)
Cap 'n' Gown? I'll Take the Burger 'n' Fries 177 (3)
Fitting Into That Bikini Is Easy As (Eating) Pie 180 (3)
Don't Mean a Thing If It Ain't Got That Swing 183 (4)
Get the (Birthday) Party Started 187 (3)
It's Oscar Time-Prepare the Blow Darts 190 (4)
Supersize Your Fries with This Column? 194 (3)
North Dakota Wants Its Place in the Sun 197 (3)
There's a Hoover Dam ... and Now, the Dave Sewage Lifter 200 (3)
N.D.'s New Barry Building Takes Your Breath Away 203 (4)
Steve's Schnapps Kept the Frost Off Dave's Bobber 207 (3)
Send in Your Weasel Jokes (Unless You're Canadian) 210 (3)
Penelope Cruz Is NOT Having Dave's Baby 213 (3)
Learning to Love the Computer, Warts and All 216 (4)
It's All About Not Clowning 220 (3)
Book-Tour Blues 223 (6)
Just for Being Americans 229 (3)
Hallowed Ground 232 (11)
Conclusion 243